Terms and Conditions

There are gonna be the best damn Ts and Cs you've never read! 

Let's do this in 'human speak' rather than 'lawyer talk' so we're both clear on where we stand. I mean it's not like legal folks speak a different language to us regular folk is it? Actually, yes, they do, don't beleive me, study Law with the OU, their recommended reading includes Gary Slapper's How The Law Works which states:

"Too often, citizens are nonplussed upon discovering that the legal use of a word is different from its common meaning.
Much of law has been complicated by an extravagant style of language."
How The Law Works - Slapper, Gary - 9780007221073 - Page 12

We'll do away with the extravagant nonsense that needs a £180 an hour translator, then we're on a proper sound, equal footing without any ambiguity or word-soup. I know the average reading age in the UK is a staggeringly low nine-years-old, but we don't need to revert back to a Penguin Books "this is Andy, this is you, these are the terms of the deal, this is you and Andy agreeing to the terms" stlye prose, do we? 

The Right to Reject

You have the right to pick and choose which voiceover talent you work with, likewise I have the right to be selective over the projects I lend my voice to, somethings I just don't get along with, so it's best I don't get involved. 

Should I feel like I'm not best suited to your project I'll let you know and refer you to some other British Male Voice Overs.

Please don't take this personally, it's not about me rejecting your offer, it's about you getting a voice talent who is better suited to your script.

I want nothing but the best performance for you, if I can't authentically deliver that, I'll point you towards other voices.

The types of project I might wish to refer you to someone else for include:

• Medical - no vaccine promotion, vaccine harm reads ok, no genital mutilation of children, ya know, ethics, binaries, dillusions and child abuse all spring to mind with that heinous infertility causing killer of kids, plus, have you seen the excess deaths, like whoaaaah, that ain't no conspiracy theoriest paranoia, that shit is real, I've upgraded my tin foil hat to a gold plated tin foil crown since Covid, it was easy to see through right from day one. No weightloss jab ears, seriously, just cut the carbs, dump the socially acceptable crack we call sugar, eat more steak, eat more butter and check out the carnivore diet: I've lost weight without trying!
• Religious - I don't care which man in the sky lives in your head rent free, please don't involve me in your Abrahamic death cults
• Political - left or right, red or blue, they're really nothing more than different cheeks of the same arse and I want nowt to do with it
• Divisive - I won't record any content that brings division among people, we need more unity in the world, and much less click bait divisory stuff, thanks
• 'Woke' - there's only two genders, I don't care who you wanna bump your intimates against, there's no need to rub your crotch in a child's face, nor is there any need to do Drag Queen Story Time so please, enough of your woke nonsense, you're actually asleep and a living nightmare for those who can see through your illusions
• Climate - I skipped school when I was 14 to record a feature for the BBC on Global Warming, where's my Time Magazine write up? Thing is, I just don't believe it now, it's almost like it's complete bollocks made up by Al Gore to scare people into paying more taxes and adopting communism in order to cool the sun, yeah, right, like that's gonna work
• AI Training - No, for the sake of absolute clarifty and to ensure there's no ambiquity, let me quote Elon Musk: go fuck yourself, is that clear?

If I turn down working alongside you on your creative endeavours, like I said, please don't take it personally, or worse, then accuse me of some kind of ism, discrimination, bigo-zeno-bollocks or phobia, like yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm worse than Hitler: if you're the kinda person who waves those flags and walks that path, you should know we're not going to get along, like ever as we're too opposed in our believe systems.

I own my screw-ups

Hopefully with good communications, a clear script brief and great direction there's no reason for anything to go wrong with my read. Should there be any errors on my part, pronunciation etc, I will re-record those lines for you for free.

If I mess something up, I'll fix it as quickly as I can.

If I'm not certain on how to say something I'll ask you, the quicker you can reply, the quicker I can record.

You own yours too, coz we both know the customer ain't always right!

Changing how I say something, beyond the correction of errors on my part, or changing the words in the script, will fall outside my revision policy, this is reasonable and makes sure you're 100% certain with what you want me to voice, and I can put 100% of my effort into getting it right for you first time.

I've known web development clients brief for a spec that says one thing, then three months into the build want it all to be different, all for the same invoice at the end, nar, I mean I'll change a couple of words here and there, if it's only a matter of recording and editing in a fresh sentence with the correct prose, but if you want me to record brand new sentences, paragraphs, pages and different scripts all together under the guise of a revision, knob off, I don't wanna have anything to do with you. 

Any unreasonable, as defined above, like taking-the-piss changes to the wording, or the direction of a script, will be rejected as revisions, and will require a new order.

I don't suffer fools, don't mess me about and I won't sack you off

I'm not being prissy, I'm not being pedantic, I'm not being one of those aweful 'oh luvvie darling' types, I'm just too damn old these days to be messed about, in any way: missing payments, making me chase for what we agreed, anything along those lines, any 'head office are usually 180 days behind' nonsense, when we agreed thirty, will make sure I never have anything to do with you again.

Life is too damn short to deal with people who don't appreciate how damn short life is.

If we have a deal, and you break it,  I will not hesitate to take legal action, and have no reservations about sending bailiffs to your offices or even your home, as in the event of a business deal with a company having gone south, the individual agreeing to such terms will be held liable, I mean like you signed it, you're culpable, yeah. 

Do anything with my voice and AI that I've not given express written permission for and I'm going to come after you like I were Liam Neeson, but legally speaking of course: I will find you, and I will fuck you. 

Copyright

Unless otherwise agreed in writing you own the copyright of the script and. I own the copyright of the performance.

I only say the words

You're legally responsible for them, not me. 

What to expect and when

I deliver 48KHz / 48,000 Hz, 24-Bit mono wave files 'as standard', (sorry voiceover gag, if you know you're smiling, if you dont, watch this) without any EQ or processing other than normalisation to -3 dBFS, and possibly some click reduction, however in the event of using iZotope RX Audio Editor to clean up any naturally occuring saliva pops and extraneous noises from my gob, I'll also include a clean file without the editing, unless you tell me you don't want any click removal cos you've got some folks in post that are wizards with that stuff. 

If you would like a different sample rate, bit-depth or file format, please contact me to seek confirmation that I can deliver to your specification. I'll send a reel of quarter inch tape if you really need it, that Sennheiser MKH 416 in my studio would sound brilliant recorded on a mile of tape as it was originally built for old reel-to-reel machines, but I do draw the line at C60 cassettes and Edison wax cylinders, other than that, what format you want?  

Standard delivery time: 72 hours.

Expidited delivery time: 24 hours. 

Everything is open to discussion

Well, almost. I ain't bending on my ethics for you. Some things really are written in stone like commandments. 

These are my standard terms, if you want to cut a different deal use the contact form to get in touch.